It makes them a victim of something they are totally innocent of. Just letting it roll like that again. Open the window a wee bit, so you can hear a few noises.”, “It does. "When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. Loading... Unsubscribe from bananarider69? Getting used to it is a bit like watching John McEnroe play tennis on the seniors’ circuit – you wait for a moment that suggests the old unique timing, and it’s all the more poignant when you catch the sudden ghost of it. Rubbish. Wally wrote ‘My granddad has a purple beard and he plays the banjo and he squares [sic] all the time and he also has a big knife – a dirk – which he lets me play with.’”, When he talks about his family the wattage of his attention brightens. Sorry, there was a problem with your subscription. If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. Billy Connolly's view of politicians. I mention something I remember Tom Waits saying to me on this subject once, in an interview, how “the odd thing about this life is that you spend half your time trying to get people to listen to you and the rest of the time trying to get them to leave you the fuck alone…”, He laughs. “I always get the best of people: when they walk toward me they are already smiling.”, • Tall Tales and Wee Stories is published by John Murray Press (£20). Sorry if I depressed you. ‘Right lads, pay attention, I’m only going to show you this once. I’d like to write songs again. He went on Twitter once when he was doing a play with Eric Idle and they were invited to create accounts to promote it. He doesn’t see that many “show business” friends these days, he says, though if singers and songwriters he likes – John Sebastian, Arlo Guthrie – are in Florida he will make an effort to go. "There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter. Billy Connolly makes a lot of jokes about football. “It is important to hold on to that,” he says. I’m not too keen on Born-the-first-time Christians.”, “When people say while watching a film ‘did you see that? The Green River. But Parkinson’s is like that. “Manatee come up and I give them water and lettuce,” he says. I saw on American TV people being interviewed in south Wales, and how pleased they were to have voted out of Europe. '”, “I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”, [On morphine suppositories] “You’ll end up with your arse between your shoulder blades.”, “Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.”, “The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.”, “It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.”, “My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.”, “Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. Is that so? New York 2005. I'm the only guy I know who died in a f---ing Muppet movie. Billy Connolly has retired. ", 21. “Some doctors don’t, they want you to take it all seriously. Stories, news, trends, reviews, food and good times. I said how can you tell them apart, he said ‘her brother’s got a moustache! What do they expect to find?”, “When people say ‘life is short’. I know where my watch is pal, where the f*** is yours? There are a lot of people running away from regular society: cross-gender people; guys who just fish or lie on the sidewalk. Maybe I should have phrased it better.”eval(ez_write_tag([[580,400],'glasgowist_com-medrectangle-3','ezslot_3',107,'0','0'])); — Pamela Stephenson (@PamelaStephensn) January 5, 2019. In his experience the alligators just stay away from humans after that.”. “I do,” he says. I made an arse of it on the film I made, where I said I was wasting away. It ended up two pages long. “My eldest daughter makes films. "I was brought up as a Catholic. Has he kept his practice up? Free Online Library: Inns and Outs; AS Billy Connolly wisely remarked, all Mexican food is the same. The guy gave him Hank Williams, Long Gone Lonesome Blues. The 71-year-old recently revealed that he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and Parkinson's disease on the same day. There are a few Brits there too, mostly moaning about how Britain is full of immigrants…”. Oh wellies they are swell, My favorite Billy Connolly sketch ever! Strong language but LOL. It is a surreal kind of place. I know thousands of words but I still prefer 'f---. To celebrate we have compiled 75 of the stand-up legend’s finest jokes, one-liners and quips. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f***ing Muppet Movie.”, “I don’t know why I should have to learn algebra… I’m never likely to go there.”, “If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?”, “People who ask, ‘can I ask you a question?’ Didn’t really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?”, “Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.”, “A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. “It’s kind of like in my life now, she does things and I follow.”. “It’s funny, I tried to write stuff down over the years, but I never could. It was like going up a helter-skelter backwards. He thought it was a hymn, I think, but it was a country song,” He sings a couple of bars in a mournful falsetto: “I am writing this letter Dear Mary…” “I loved it and my dad went back to the market and asked if they had anything else like that. Sections. But for the next generation, maybe.”. ... Billy Connolly ~ Two Scotsmen in Rome - Duration: 7:31. Before he knew it she had found and bought the house in Key West. 3. They have a river that runs by their back door and he can fish off the deck, almost without getting out of bed. The comedian, 77, and his wife Pamela Stephenson, 70, have been on lockdown during the … © 2020 Guardian News & Media Limited or its affiliated companies. It’s anti-social media’. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?”, “If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”, “All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.”, “When something is ‘new and improved!’ which is it? Warning: adult humour follows (of course), “Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on.”, “Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.”, “There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.”, “My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.”, “A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.”, “I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. What can you do that’s longer?””, “One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.

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